Kai

We spent hours

Frolicking the hills, beaches, and waterfalls

She told me it was the best of time 

Sparkles in our eyes when we reached the top of the mountains

She whispered I was the best hiking partner

I was always by her side, one step behind, one step ahead

But never strayed far away

I was her protector

I was her best friend

The years had gone by quickly

My legs got weak, my eye sight got blurry

No more top of mountain

No more top of trees

No more Kai

But by her side is where I will always be

I am the animal spirit, Me

Love Affair of A Girl and A Dog Named Kai

 Death did not come silently in the night

It came knocking loudly in the morning light

Death came and carried you away in a huff

Not so much of a goodbye, not enough

Shattered my world by the emptiness of your vacant eyes

You entered into my life

A little fluffy grey hair ball and gorgeous blue eyes

We hiked waterfalls

explored hidden trails

We watched the rain from top of the mountain

We combed the beach of Puget Sounds

Side by side, life with you was an adventure

My protector, my best friend, my love

You mended my broken heart

You taught me patience and compassion

Love came in the simplest form; two beating hearts

Your and mine; a girl and a dog named Kai

Letter to Thi

Silly Thi, I quarreled, I got frustrated, and I rebelled against my family, friends, and culture. 

I was suffocated under the microscope and I break out. But never once I stop loving anybody including you. Don’t you remember when we lost touch after I moved and you moved with your aunt to another place back the 80s? I kept looking for you. I kept searching for the only girlfriend I love. When Jennie found me thru Ngoc Ha and invited me up to San Jose for a visit. I told everybody about you and was hoping that some how I will find you again. I found you… Maybe I never told you this, but I love you dearly. We were different then and we are different now but through out time I really appreciate you for who you are. Not the wild young Thi or the mature adult Thi. I just love the core of Thi; kind and loving. Maybe the biggest struggle I have in life is to bridge this internal struggle of trying to be what expected of me and what I want to be. I have a free spirit and there is no doubt about that. I was passionate about life since I was a tiny little bud. I wrote poetry since I was 8 and didn’t show it to anybody. 

I don’t want to stop living life or experience life just because what others think but I can’t help feeling resentful when they judge me. 

I needed you to be on my side and I was hurt because your opinion of me was different than what I thought it would be. I need the one I love to accept me. That was all. You have changed. I have changed. I don’t remember why and how we quarrel anymore, but I remember sitting behind you in the bicycle when you tow me around town in Dalat. I remember sleeping on the floor with you at Di Tam’s house during my summer break. I still have your letters from back then. I remember a lot of things and I don’t let go of the thing that really matter. 

My love for you is running deeper than my ego… I will love you and be your friend until we are gray and old. Our history is too deep for me or you to let go. I lost you once before I won’t let it to happen again. Just like I said before we are not sister by blood, but we are sister by love. Always,

Will you

How long has it been since our lives got changed so violently?  How long has it been since my heart got frozen and won't open up again?  Today the memories of us come flooding back and filled my heart with sorrow.  Reminiscing is something I always tried to avoid.  The past has gone and change is the fact of life.  But why so much in my life?  I walked under the rain, got my hair wet, my toes are freezing in my flip flop (and yes I still wear flip flop even it is freezing in Seattle) looking for a coffee shop.  How could anybody not love Seattle?  How could I not fall in love with Seattle?  It is here that I can bare my joy, my pain.  You would like Seattle too.  We can walk to the restaurant for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or drink for all that matter.  You can watch me pile on sweater, coat, scarf and you can tease me that I look like a polar bear with all my padding.  You would like it, I know.

I am happy and I am not happy.  I have my good day and I have my bad days.  And just like everybody else I hate my bad days.  I am just another particle in the vast pool of life.  You were there like a hurricane, swept me off my feet and off you went to the another destination... How does life work?  I am still learning, still wondering when life will be simpler.  This is where I am.  This is who I am.  And I miss what we had together.  I am afraid that our memories will fade away and I will loose you forever to the wings of time.  I  miss you.

We can't turn back time.  Life moves on without skipping a beat... But somewhere deep down in my heart, time stop and there you are smiling at me with your twinkle eyes.

Will you forget

Will I forget

Will this world keep turning until we meet again

Close my eyes and I can see your sky

Feel your touch and I miss your smile

This walk

This way

This kiss

This heart belongs to you

A split second decision; a life time consequences

Twisted world or parallel universes

Will you find me again along the path of life

Will you hold me close and don't let me go again

One love

The only love

Will you forget

Will I forget

Imagine

Imagine - John Lennon

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I am not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will be as one

Quick notes from Chris and Kim's vow... "May you need each other not out of weakness. May you want each other not out of lack..." So beautiful are those words. 

I was smiling and thought to myself, how lovely. If I can ever share this moment with that someobody, who needs me not out of weakness and wants me not out of lack. 

When will I meet my equal. 

Grace, love, forgiven, forgiving, peace, kindness... And I realized to myself I have been loved but I have never loved. My friend Steve asked me "Are you capable" and I responded "Yes, I am". Maybe timing was wrong, maybe I wasn't who I am today. 

Maybe I had problem with integrating my version of romantic love and reality love. Not anymore, recently I had a brush with romantic and reality love coming so close together, it took my breath away... 

Thank you for finding me. Thank you for let me found you... I can say now that I have seen a glismpe of love, of my soulmate and I am forever better because of it. Like the north star the experience will help me get closer to my heart and my love!

7/11/2006 Good bye to Dad

July 11, 2006

Funeral

Sadness

Tears

Good Bye

This is our last day

Noise

Flowers

Chanting

Prayer

This is how I remember

Eyes closed

Mouth shut

Silence

Final

This is what I see

Soul 

Serenity

Peace

Grace 

This is what I want

Together

Forever

Love

Understanding

Daddy!  This is you and me

Dream Manifestation

Five years ago when I landed at Seatac airport for the first time in May, I was overwhelmed with the trees, the city, and the waters. I traveled to major cities quite a bit for work but Seattle is different. Something is so mystical about Seattle; it was love at first sight. I spent days wandering around downtown after work. I found old book stores, little coffee shops, and kind people. Kind people are everywhere and I was wondering to myself what it would be like to live in Seattle.

Today I find myself living in Seattle. How did I get here? How did my wish manifest itself into reality? So do we always get what we want? I think I got everything that I wanted. I believe at a deep subconscious level I conjured my dreams into reality.

I walk away from my past, my pain, my lost, and my gain. I left behind “my everything” in hope to find everything. I change my life to focus on what is important to me; living my Truth. 

And here I am again. Got wrap up, drawn in by the complexity of human realm. Anytime I feel lost in my own emotion and other’s emotion I tried to retreat into my world of truth and center myself in my own safe haven. What is real and what is not. What have I learned and unlearned along the way. Other found me strong, self-assured and assertive. I find myself confused and lost all the time. 

Standing tall, believing in myself; all of this can fall down at any moment if I don’t do the right thing; if I don’t walk my talk; if I stop practicing accordingly to my code of ethics. The most critical critics are the internal critics. The price of not knowing myself is the biggest risk. I don’t worry about what people thinks about me. But I care what I think of myself. At which point that I would compromise and betray my commitment to live my truth? At which point that I start to put other needs and wants above my own sanity? It happened before and I won’t allow myself to fall back in that trap again. 

I will sit here and stare at the wall until my mind is still and my heart is clear again. I need to protect of my world, my peace, my life.